tinhuvielartanis: (Nathor)

Around 2 AM this morning, I was watching and looking for more of Marina Abramović's performance art, when I happened to come across a picture of her bottle-feeding a baby tiger. My mind was instantly transported to the Wiccan Charge of the Goddess. For those who may not know what the Charge of the Goddess is, it is a poem written by Doreen Valiente, for use in Esbats and Sabbats, and most usually spoken by the High Priestess presiding over the ritual after having drawing down the Moon. The version I'm using here is Starhawk's adaptation of the Charge, because her version was the first I ever read.

Listen to the words of the Great Mother, Who of old was called Artemis, Astarte, Dione, Melusine, Aphrodite, Cerridwen, Diana, Arionrhod, Brigid, and by many other names:


Whenever you have need of anything, once a month, and better it be when the moon is full, you shall assemble in some secret place and adore the spirit of Me Who is Queen of all the Wise.


You shall be free from slavery, and as a sign that you be free you shall be naked in your rites.


Sing, feast, dance, make music and love, all in My Presence, for Mine is the ecstasy of the spirit and Mine also is joy on earth.


For My law is love is unto all beings. Mine is the secret that opens the door of youth, and Mine is the cup of wine of life that is the cauldron of Cerridwen, that is the holy grail of immortality.


I give the knowledge of the spirit eternal, and beyond death I give peace and freedom and reunion with those that have gone before.


Nor do I demand aught of sacrifice, for behold, I am the Mother of all things and My love is poured out upon the earth.


Hear the words of the Star Goddess, the dust of Whose feet are the hosts of Heaven, whose body encircles the universe:


I Who am the beauty of the green earth and the white moon among the stars and the mysteries of the waters,


I call upon your soul to arise and come unto me.


For I am the soul of nature that gives life to the universe.


From Me all things proceed and unto Me they must return.


Let My worship be in the heart that rejoices, for behold, all acts of love and pleasure are My rituals.


Let there be beauty and strength, power and compassion, honor and humility, mirth and reverence within you.


And you who seek to know Me, know that the seeking and yearning will avail you not, unless you know the Mystery: for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without.


For behold, I have been with you from the beginning, and I am That which is attained at the end of desire.


I'm not sure why I've latched on to Ms. Abramović, connecting her with the Divine Feminine, but I can say this is the closest I've felt to the Great Goddess since 2011.  It could just be that I resonate with the archetype Marina's carriage emanates.

I'm nowhere near acknowledging the existence of any sort to any deity, but I have to admit to myself that I'm not an atheist.  By the same token, the revelations and theories that seem to have exploded in the science communities over the past few years give rise to a kind of wonderment of existence, of being a part of living, sentient organism.  It is believed that information is never lost.  It can be transformed into something we can't see, but it is not gone.  In some form, everything is still cradled within the cosmos.

MarinaCharge.jpg

Combined with that theory, the line in the Charge, From Me all things proceed and unto Me they must return, has given me a level of comfort I thought I would never feel again.  Not since 2011.  How long will this last?  I do not know.  Could it magnify and allow me to return to the Craft?  I do not know.  Is it simply a fleeting subconscious attempt to cling to the memories of a time when I felt much more in control of my life than I am now?  Perhaps.  Still, I do not know. Will I ever know?

I do not know.

Spirituality, however, is not something you know.  At least it shouldn't be.  Unwavering certainty is the pathway to religious extremism, which is about as far from spirituality as a person can get, in my opinion.  A person has to believe enough to engage in spiritual practice of any sort, and I know deep in my bones that I am not there yet, and may never again be.  Some may suggest I cast or find a Circle and see where it takes me, but I can't do that.  I always took my responsibilities as a High Priestess very seriously and I feel being involved in a ritual of any sort would be hypocrital of me.  I tried to explain this - unsuccessfully - to the Mother Unit and Matt, when they tried to get me to attend a full moon drum circle.  Since rhythm and song were intrinsic in my own rituals and the ones I led in Hecate Triskele, and this drum circle is held on every Esbat, my conscience won't allow me to get involved.  I would feel like a phony and a liar to myself and everyone with whom I've practiced since embracing Witchcraft, and everything I'd ever believed or done within that context would be worthless, devoid of any sincerity.  That's something I cannot and will not do.

That said, I think it would be wise of me to avoid Marina Abramović for a while.

Edit:  The background image I used for the Marina Charge is an artist rendering of what scientists believe the universe looks like.

tinhuvielartanis: (Inconceivable)

About an hour ago, Matt reminded me of the drum circle that's happening tonight. A short while after that, the Mother Unit also reminded me, asking if I was going with them.

I am not.

When it was mentioned at the Rainbow drumming circle on Sunday, I didn't get the chance to tell the Unit and Matt that I wouldn't participate. Later, I forgot to bring it up. They just assumed I'd be up for any drum circle, and that's totally understandable. I don't think they understood why I won't be going with them, though, despite my best efforts to explain.

Honestly, I didn't try very hard to explain my reason to Matt, because his understanding others - at least me, at any rate - is as selective as his hearing and attention span, and it would have led to nothing more but another avoidable conflict.  But I did try to clarify my position to the Unit.

If there is something I despise more than anything else in the world, I would have to say it is hypocrisy, religious hypocrisy to be exact.

Since 2011, I have had issues with my spirituality that, today, sees me on the threshold of unapologetic atheism.  I have not participated in Esbats or Sabbats, nor will I until I can say without reservation that I still believe.  This is a full moon drum circle.  Engaging in connecting with Earth's heartbeat by creating rhythms beneath a full moon is too close to participating in ritual for my comfort.

The Unit's argument to mine was that she was not Pagan, nor is Matt, and they're still attending.  In fact, she said, there were probably few, if any, Witches present, that it was more about the drumming than anything.  And she's right.  I can't deny she doesn't have a point.  She also fails to understand that, because I'm an initiate, because I take spirituality extremely seriously, I don't feel comfortable going to an event that even hints at ritual.  I would feel like a hypocrite, and that's an untenable position in which to find oneself.

I would love to go drumming tonight.  Since this one is on the beach, I would particularly love going, as I have been wanting to return to the ocean for quite a few months now.  (I think I may be past the used condom incident to the point I could brave the water again.)  Immersing into the Pacific beneath a full moon as the attendees drum out our collective heartbeat sounds wonderful to me right now.  In all good conscience, however, I can't do it.  Even though the Unit and Matt don't see a problem with my participation, neither of them have undergone an initiation into a spiritual path.  They don't see the conflict because, for them, there is none.  And that's okay.  That's the way it's supposed to be.


In completely unrelated news, my back has been about to kill me today. As I went up the stairs earlier, I felt like the G-force was tripled. It then occurred to me that the excess skin I could never get removed may be a major factor in keeping my back in a fix. So I decided to see what my health insurance might cover, given it changed when I moved to California. I couldn't find anything on Aetna's secure members' page, but that didn't stop me. I wrote Aetna. About thirty minutes later, I got this back:

Your provider will need to request precertification for the procedure.
If approved you may be responsible $264 out patient procedure co-payment.

I'm flabbergasted by this. It just doesn't even seem real to me, that this procedure, considered strictly cosmetic by all insurers in South Carolina, would cost me less than $300, if I got approval. Based on the experience I've so far had with the medical maze in California, I'm pretty confident I'd get approval, especially if it means the procedure would help with my back, knees, and my skin in general.

I go see my PCP next week, and will definitely be broaching the subject to her at that time. I will also be mentioning it to the pain doctor later on this month, considering he's been treating my pain issues in regard to my spine, knees, and fibro. So, we'll see.

I'm probably screwing myself over royally for feeling this way, but I'm actually kind of hopeful about the prospects of this. Anyone who reads this needs to keep your digits crossed for me, 'cos this would be monumental.

tinhuvielartanis: (Triskele)
I just lit a stick of incense I bought last weekend. I don't know what it is, sadly. The incense sticks were bought individually, and were all mixed together in the bag.

This particular scent, though, is one I remember from my days of going to Rainbows & Moonbeams, and sitting in the back room talking about the Goddess and Klingons. Not at the same time. They were the two main subjects that came up with Lady Layla and Patrick.

The scent was also very prevalent during some of the rituals at the Temple Hecate Triskele. I remember it, too, the Bealtainne I met the Harpist.

All these memories spread out over the course of several years, but have been encapsulated within a simple scent triggered in my olfactory nerve. It's amazing how the body can harbour the path to memories and, in a sense, help a person travel in time to happier days, or even tragic moments.

And sometimes, those interludes of happiness can feel tragic for having passed into the realm of bygone days that can never completely be recaptured. And all you're left with is a scent whose name eludes you, and a feeling of loss.

Surreal

Sep. 21st, 2010 11:24 am
tinhuvielartanis: (T and B)
I just feel totally surreal that The Chalice has actually been published. I have 16 copies headed my way for autographing and sending off to others. The one I'm super-frightened about (no big surprise here) is Barry Andrews. Next nervous is Carl Marsh. I still haven't decided yet whether or not it's a good idea to tell him that Cadmus is named after him. Barry has always known that Cadmus was is demon child, but I don't know how he'll react to all the horrible things that Cadmus actually does. I don't want the book to affect our relationship, so I hoping he'll take it all in stride, knowing that the character is inspired by his music and is not about him. We've talked about this before, so I know it's all good, but I'm still grousing and navel-gazing about the whole thing.

Another thing I'm nervous about is going live on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. I never thought my name would be on their websites.

And when on Earth did Wicca become mainstream. It was just mentioned on the View like it was no big deal. We worked so hard in the 90s to be recognised as a real spiritual path and it looked pretty bleak that this was going to happen. Now it's like "don't offend the Wiccans" year. What the hell happened while I was Solitary? Did the Wiccan community suddenly get some sort of PR person during my absence? Of course, it's only the Wiccans who are getting a break. If you're a Wiccan, it's all good. Call yourself a Witch and people run for the hills. It's the same thing, jack-wagon, just the term 'Witch' is closer to the actual tradition. Get the hell over it.
tinhuvielartanis: (Pentagram)

Anne Strieber is looking for Wiccans and Pagans in Southern California to be a part of a documentary about the Pagan movement in America. If you're located there, you should go visit the blurb at Unknowncountry. Here 'tis!

Even though I'm obviously not in Southern California, I wrote her anyway because I believe the documentary may benefit from including the American Paganry of the Bible Belt. Here's what I wrote:

Dear Anne,
 
I read at Unknowncountry that you're looking for Pagans and Wiccans (yeah, there's a difference) in the Southern California area.  Sadly, I am not in Southern California; however, I am located in an area that you may want to consider including in your documentary.  I live in the Upstate of South Carolina which is pretty much the buckle of the Bible Belt (my High Elder always said it wasn't the Bible Belt, but the Girdle of the Goddess).  I have been out of the Broom Closet since the early 90s and you can't imagine the experiences I've had being a Wiccan priestess in a Right Wing Fundamentalist stronghold.  They've been both surprisingly positive and understandably negative, but all of them have been intense.  Should you want to or are able to expand your documentary to include those of us "behind enemy lines" as 't'were, I'd be happy to participate in your program.  I've long been an admirer of both you and your husband and a keen student of All Things Gray since reading Mr. Strieber's Communion in 1987.  It would be an honour to offer any insight I can on the subject of American Paganism and the Wiccan Priesthood.
 
Peace and Bright Blessings,
Tracy A. Evans (Lady Tinhuviel Artanis)


I doubt I'll get a reply and I strongly doubt I'll be invited to part of the program, but at least I put my best foot forward and I got to express a tiny bit of my appreciation for the Striebers, so I feel good about the letter. We'll see where it takes us, if it takes us anywhere.

tinhuvielartanis: (Frustration)
I feel like I'm trudging through Dies the Fire. There are some books where it will take me 50-100 pages before I'll really get into it, because I'm missing the book I just finish and, like an immature git, taking it out on the new book I'm reading. I'm on page 180 of Dies the Fire and I'm still having issues getting into it. Honestly, I feel like SM Stirling is beating me over the head with the whole Wiccan thing. I've been a round a lot of Wiccans, Pagans, and Witches over the years and none but the fluffiest of bunnies talk like Juniper and her Clan MacKenzie. Once those bunnies either grow up within the Craft or grow away from the Craft, they stop talking like that. I'm catching myself talking to the book, saying things like "All right, already, we get the message that Junie is a Wiccan. And you're using the phrase 'blessed be' wrong, so shut your literary pie-hole, can'tcha?"

Yeah, I'm a little disappointed. I was hoping for something a bit more substantial, what with this being an Alpaca Liptic story, and I'm actually going to see the book through to the end, hoping that the vision of a world irrevocably Changed will be redeemed to me. But I doubt I'll seek out the sequels unless something drastic changes my mind.

By contrast, Llew is really enjoying the book. He started it last weekend and is devouring the pages. I'm only ahead of him by about ten pages and that's only because I've been taking the book to work with me and reading during the day. I guess this is the perfect example of how one man's trash is another man's treasure, although I wouldn't necessarily call Dies the Fire trash. I sure as hell wouldn't call it treasure either.

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