tinhuvielartanis | Entries tagged with self-examination

I haven’t done one of these in about 10,000 years, so let’s get this show on the road.

1. Full name: Tracy Angelina Evans
2. Nicknames: Tin, Tinhuviel, George, Darth Shriek
3. Birthplace: Asheville, North Carolina USA
4. Birthday: 10 September, 1967
5. Where Do You Live Now?: San Diego, California
6. Parent(s): Father Unit has passed. Mother Unit is here in San Diego.
7. Sibling(s): ZERO
8. Looks: Better off invisible.
9. Favourite Animal(s): Anything non-human, except for millipedes and centipedes. Like humans, they can go fuck themselves.
10. Favorite TV Show(s): Impractical Jokers, Better Call Saul

11. Favorite Kind(s) Of Music: Most everything but Country and Opera.
12. Favorite Movie(s): Sci-Fi, Unusual, Conceptual, Foreign
13. School: Some college, focusing on English and Veterinary Assistance
14. Future School: I’m too old for this question. The Chapel Perilous

15. Future Job: Testing new, effective sleep aids.
16. Boyfriend/Girlfriend: nah
17. Best Buds: I’m a bit of a hermit these days.
18. Favorite Candy: Milk Dud
19. Hobbies: Music, reading, writing
20. Things You Collect: Grudges, CDs, movies, moments in time.

21. Do You Have A Personal Phone Line: Yes
22. Favorite Body Part Of The Opposite Sex? The eyes and brain
23. Any Tattoos And Where Of What?: Red & Black Triskele on right hand, Green Shriekback logo on left hand, Mwanza Flat-headed Agama with green and blue hues instead of pinkish and blue.
24. Piercing(s) And Where?: not anymore
25. What Do You Sleep in?: clothing
26. Do you like Chain Letters: aw HELL NAW.
27. Best Advice: Reality is peripheral.
28. Favorite Quotes: Hope for the best, expect the worst. - Mel Brooks.
29. Non-sport Activity You Enjoy: sleep
30. Dream Car: A transporter

31. Favorite Thing To Do In Spring: Avoid the sun.
32. What’s Your Bedtime: Whenever I’m lucky.
33. Where Do You Shop: Wherever I can.
34. Coke or Pepsi: Cheerwine

35. Favorite Thing(s) To Wear?: Something loose that will allow me to blend into my surroundings.
36. Favorite Subject(s) In School: English and Creative Writing

37. Favorite Color(s): Green, Red, Black
38. Favorite People To Talk To Online: People with brains and a wicked sense of humour that has set them on the road to Hell.

39. Root-Beer or Dr. Pepper? Root beer

40. Do You Shave? I’m too old for that bullshit.

41. Favorite Vacation Spot(s): I don’t do vacations. My favourite place to BE is England.
42. Favorite Family Member(s): Smidgen
43. Did You Eat Paint Chips When You Were a Kid? WHAT?
44. Favorite CD you own: Currently Without Real String or Fish by Shriekback
45. The ONE Person Who You Hate The Most: Going with an old standard here and saying Pat Robertson.
46. Favorite Food(s)?: Potatoes
47. Who Is The Hottest Guy or Girl In The World?: I have a very short list.
48. What Is Your Favorite Salad Dressing?: Bleu Cheese.
49. When You Die, Do You Wanna Be Buried or Burned Into Ashes? I don’t care, as long as I end up on Craggy Dome.
50. Do You Believe In Aliens?: Absolutely.

51. If You Had The Chance To Professionally Do Something, What would You Do? I’m already a Professional Misanthropist.
52. Things You Obsess Over: Various artists, ideas, philosophies, theories, general weirdness
53. Favorite Day of the Week: Don’t bloody care.
54. An Authority Figure You Hate: The Feudal Mistress still tops the list.
55. Favorite Disney Movie: Bambi
56. What Is Your Favorite Season? Winter
57. What Toppings Do You Like On Your pizza? Cheese, with extra cheese, and cheese on the side.
58. Do You Like Your School Food Itself (As In The District Food): I never ate it.
59. If You Could Live Anywhere, Where Would You Live? Avebury, Wiltshire, UK
60. Favorite Thing(s) To Do On Weekends: Sleep, if I can accomplish it.

61. Favorite Magazine(s): Don’t have one.
62. Favorite Flower(s): White rose

63. Favorite Number(s): 5

64. Favorite Ice Cream flavor(s): Ben & Jerry’s Wavy Gravy

65. What Kind of Guys/Girls Are You Attracted to?: Dangerously intelligent, beautiful, talented, and hilarious.

66. What’s Your Most Embarrassing Moment? I inadvertently introduced myself to someone as his wife.

67. If You Could Change One Thing About Yourself What Would It be? I would be fearless.

68. Do You Eat Breakfast First Then Brush Your Teeth or Brush first ten eat breakfast: breakfast first.

69. Favorite Time of Day: Whenever I get to sleep.

70. Can A Guy and Girl Be Just “Best Friends?”: Why not?

71. Do You Ask The Girl/Guy Out Or Do You Wait For Them To Come To You?: I don’t go there anymore.

72. Do You Mind Paying For Sex? I never would.

73. What’s The Most Important thing In Someone’s Personality: Sentience

74. Do you have a pager or cell phone? Cell

75. Favorite Sport: Flambodious Butt-walking

76. What Was the Best Gift You Ever Received? Love

77. How Long Did This Letter Take You To Finish?: Not very long.

78. What Did You Listen To While Completing It?: Electric Light Orchestra’s Alone in the Universe.

79. Are you or would you like to be married in the near future (next 5 years)? NEGATIVE

80. Don’t u just hate how psychics never win the lottery? I hate it more than I don’t win the lottery. I hate psychics, especially the ones who claim to talk to your dead relatives. They’re grifters who should be drawn and quartered. The End.

Current Mood: cranky
Current Location: the house
Current Music: Jeff Lynne's ELO - All My Life

I've acquired a few new friends over the past few days, so I guess I should explain myself a tad.

Here's the short of it: I'm going through a really bad, American-economic depression at the moment, so some of my posts may not be something you'll want to read. I dig that, but I must warn, I do few filters, because I'm an out-there sort of chick.

Come January, I should be back in school, taking Health Unit Coordination and possibly engaging in work study because I'm a po-sad-assed-proletariat-uneducated rube.

Most usually, I identify as a Sith Witch. That's pretty much explained here. Everything else is explained here

I'm a devout, avid, probably scary fan of the avant garde English band Shriekback, helping to write the majority still found on the newly revamped site. Barry Andrews is of particular interest to me and has long been an inspiration and phobia-focus for many happy years.
I have too many cats, but never enough. Once I'm back on my feet financially, I will once again retain my lofty status of Crazy Cat Lady of the neighbourhood, much to my neighbours' chagrin.

I voted for Barack Hussein Obama. I think he's just the coolest guy on Earth, besides Barry Andrews and Prince. I live in a Red State with a naturally blue arse, because I'm cold-natured. I will someday be lynched by idiot Rednecks with more guns than they have sense. I just hope I make it to 21 December, 2012, at which time the Mayan prophecy will destroy us all and set things aright, to which I say about damned time. This I call The Alpaca Lips and there's a church for this. I can be found here:

alpaca_lips. All acolytes are welcome and encouraged to add to the prophecies.

I would like to think that I'm a pretty good writer, having written one small novel already, entitled The Chalice, and am working on its sequel The Blood Crown. If there's anything else any of you want to know, I'm pretty much an open book, so ask away suckas.

So, now that you've read this, if you're still keen on staying, my the Mighty Mother Goddess have mercy on your pathetic boredom-ridden souls. Oh, and it's nice to meet you. I don't usually add people, because I hate rejection and it kills me when I add someone and they don't add me back. It's an esteem issue, so deal yo.

Current Mood: high
Current Location: home
Current Music: George S. Clinton - Knee Deep

If I've repeated myself here from the other "info" posts, I apologise. I'm tired, addled, and fairly alarmed.

Whenever Aunt Tudi is in the hospital, I rent Fellini films (usually Fellini Satyricon and 8 1/2) and I sit in the middle of the night, watching them and eating cake batter.

Ever since I saw a used band-aid floating in the pool at the YMCA, I refuse to get in public swimming pools. In fact, I gag at the mere thought of it.

"Huuvola" by Peter Murphy is one of my favourite songs. It makes me want to weep from the sheer beauty of it.

I believe everyone had a theme song that plays in some movie in some alternate universe whenever we walk down the street, a la Shaft. My theme song is "Java" by Al Hirt. I don't know why. I don't question it. It just is.

I would beat up an old lady for some escargot right about now.

My most unusual pet was a hedgehog named Leopold.

My most unusual animal rescue was a female ruby-throated hummingbird.

I like the taste of blood.

My favourite month is November.

I have long thought that I would eventually be part of some underground resistance movement.

For my entire life, I have had recurring dreams of singing in a Black Gospel choir.

I miss my father.

Dave Matthews' music never fails to give me chicken pimples.

That scene in Hannibal where Clarice realises that she's just received a letter from Hannibal Lecter: the emotions that scene inspires in people(something like a combination of dread, excitement, and maybe fascination) is the same emotion I experience every time I get an email from Barry Andrews. After six years, it hasn't gone away.

I shamelessly ogle Kevin Smith every chance I get.

I've always wanted to have a pet bush baby.

Egyptian Musk is my favourite scent.

My favourite emotion is anger because it fuels me and drives me to accomplishments. My least favourite emotion is love, because I know it will always lead to heartache.

The Chalice started out as a way for me to deal with meeting my soul mate and discovering that we'd never be together in this life. Cadmus Pariah wasn't originally in the half-formed story and, when he came into the picture, he was a plot device at best. Obviously, this has changed a great deal.

The Geico commercials featuring the cave men are my favourite commercials on TV at the moment. I want to date those cave men.

I used to know "Get Up! (Before the Night Is over)" by Technotronic by heart.

I can sing in Yiddish, Scots Gaelic, and Irish Gaelic, by learning songs phonetically.

I often view my life as phantasmal, which isn't healthy.

I play a helluva mean air keyboard.

Despite my "tough chick" demeanor here, I'm really quite meek.

Trains terrify me.

I terrify myself.

Now, it's your turn.

Current Mood: sleepy
Current Location: a very dark place
Current Music: Shriekback "Feelers (remix)" so not a good idea....

There are a lot of things I've never done. Some things most everyone has done at least once, but not me. I don't know why. I have no reasons, no answers. It's just the way things are.

I have never:

been in a fight

been married

had a child

gone to the beach in Summer

been skiing

been on a "date" date where the man takes me to dinner and movie

had a pajama party or attended a pajama party

gone dancing

watched Seinfeld or Friends

been to a funeral

been molested, raped, or brutalised in any way

had two men fight over me

had two women fight over me

ridden a horse

ridden a motorcycle

done a somersault

gone swimming (I don't know how to swim)

dropped acid

gone sailing

gone on a cruise

gone SCUBA diving

Well, I'm sure there's more. The list of what I've never done is a lot longer than the list of what I have done. Regarding some of these, that's kinda sad. I need to change some things before I get too old to do it.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Location: home
Current Music: silencia

A question from earlier this evening prompted me to ponder on all the roles I've played in my life. To anyone who reads this, I challenge you to post your own list of roles.

( the list, in alphabetical order )

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Location: hut sweet hut
Current Music: Law & Order: SVU

popfiend made a post in his journal about putting his best foot forward here on LJ, and it got me to thinking about how I tend not to do that. Why? Well, like

popfiend, I was a nerd/geek/outcast/whatever in school but, unlike

popfiend, such a social state didn't encourage me to want people to like and accept me. Just the opposite. My treatment at the hands of other people is the primary reason I'm a misanthropist today. As I was judged by my appearance, so do I judge by species. Humans suck, but you're okay. That's my motto, because there are folks who've exhibited kindness, insight, and intelligence far beyond the capacity of Humanity on the whole. If you're on my friends list, you're okay by me and I'm hoping that you don't suffer too very much when the Alpaca Lips is upon us.

Yeah, I know that's cold, but that's how I am. That whole "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" crap is just that: crap. I've been done unto way too much in my past, especially as a child. I've been done unto so much that I empathise with kids like the shooters at Columbine and any other kid who finally just snaps and decides to exterminate the vermin that make their lives a living hell. I grok Carrie and often fantasised about having telekinetic powers so I could also destroy my tormentors.

Okay, so that said, I write what I write here. It's my journal and no one else's. Either you like me or you don't, but I'm not going to gloss over this true extension of myself because I'm hoping people will like me. The people on my friends list are resilient souls whom I admire very much and to whom I am quite grateful. They accept me for who I am and they don't expect me to be anything other than the surly bitch I tend to be on an almost daily basis. They know, or should know, that when I pray for the horrible deaths of Humanity that, even though I'm including myself in the Endtimes, I'm wishing better for them because I think they're cool and have grown beyond the Human stain I despise so much.

I'm damaged goods. I refuse to sugar coat it or try to conceal it completely. I'm paranoid, anti-social, and I always root for the bad guy because good guys piss me off. I keep people at a distance not because I don't like them, but because I'm afraid to be hurt anymore than I already have been in life. When I say I like animals more then people, I'm not being funny, I"m being honest. When I say I don't like kids, I mean that I don't like kids. When I bitch about things that piss me off in my journal, it's not for entertainment purposes, it's because I'm genuinely pissed off.

I like it when people I like, like me back. But everyone else can go straight to hell as far as I'm concerned. I don't need for people to like me like I did when I was younger. I outgrew that after I had my self-esteem bullied out of my spirit, after I had my faith in myself and my fellow human pushed and teased out of me. There's a darkness within me upon which I thrive. Even on my happier days, it's always present, ready to spring forth in the event humanity tries to pull a fast one on me. It speaks in this journal, if only in a whisper. It's my voice, my conscience, my bullshit-o-meter. And, if it's decided you're okay, then you're really fuckin' okay! Everyone else? Screw them. Period. 'Nuff said. Amen. And hallelujah.

Current Mood: bitchy
Current Music: Concrete Blonde "Tomorrow Wendy"

I've been tossing something around in my mind for quite a few days now. As anyone who reads my journal on a regular basis already knows, I'm currently rereading Stephen King's The Stand for the first time since I was 12 years old. I'm 38 now, and I'm responding to the book in different ways from the first time I read it. Age and experience are definitely a plus when it comes to understanding what one is reading.

Now, I've always had an affinity for Nadine. Her mysterious connection to Randall Flagg, knowing that she belonged to him and was destined to be his bride, struck a chord in me. Looking back on how my life turned out, I understand now that I am Nadine up to a certain point. I was a virgin until age 30, but it was no Dark Man who took that in the desert. The part where I was like Nadine, though, is that I was absolutely saving myself for a certain individual. From the age of 19 to the age of 30, I remained "intact." And it was someone very much like Larry Underwood who broke that spell enough to allow me to relinquish my virginity.

Even now, though, I still feel like I'm destined to go somewhere and do something greater than myself or my self-perception. I even have a Randall Flagg of sorts in my life, though I'm certain our relationship will never be sexual. Nevertheless, I am an acolyte of his and he affects me in much the same way that Randall Flagg affects Nadine: that inexorable pull combined with the undeniable fright.

Though I'm no beauty, I think I resemble Nadine in certain ways as well. I have the long dark hair and am now getting snow white hair intermixed with that. My voice is a little on the low side and can be husky at times. My eyes are my most striking feature. And I've noticed how some women kind of get possessive and protective of their men when I'm around, like I would ever presume to edge in on anyone or like any of these men would ever want me to begin with. But I must send off a vibe that threatens them on some level. I don't understand it.

My motivations are my own.

So it begs the question: did I pattern myself after Nadine on a subconscious level or did I just naturally grow into that particular King archetype? I'll probably never know because I'm probably reading more into it than there actually is.

But there's more.

I also see Harold Lauder in myself. There's a part in the book that talks about Harold being unable to release the past and is therefore trapped in the world wherein he was teased and tormented by other school kids and even family. This prevents his being able to become a true part of the Free Zone and paves the way to damnation for him, as he plots his revenge and his subsequent escape to Las Vegas. Despite his changes, Harold remains static in his mind, forever the fat, pimple-faced nerd, the outcast, the resentful child whose potential was wasted on deaf ears.

I'm the same way. I go into every social situation assuming that I will be laughed at or shut out. My disdain for humanity as a whole stems from the cruelty I endured in school. I can't seem to pull myself out of the abyss of my mistrust and suspicion of my fellow human, nor can I accept the notion that I have anything of worth to offer (and if I did, someone else would get the credit).

I guess this means I'm destined for Las Vegas if a superflu ever hits Earth. No sweet old black lady for me. I'm doomed.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Judge Judy

I am 37 years old. In a few short months I will turn 38. What does this mean? It means that I was born in the Age of the Hippie. It means that I was wearing bell-bottom pants with multi-coloured patches on the knees and dancing kid dances to "That's the Way (uh-huh uh-huh) I Like It" by KC and the Sunshine Band on the Bicentennial of the United States of America. It means I remember watching the supposed Moon Landing on television. I remember the special report telling the world that John Lennon had been murdered. I remember when Pope John Paul II was "popefied." I remember the death of Disco and the birth of New Wave. It means I am part of the first MTV generation, when MTV still meant Music Television and the music was actually good.

When I was an infant, I was regularly "visited" by entities I called Beezers. They would come to me in my crib and, although I never actually saw them, I could absolutely hear them. Their incessant buzzing was what earned them the name "Beezers." I would scream out in the night for protection from their intrusion.

When I was a teenager, I wanted to live the life of the students in the movie Fame and in the show of the same name.

I find myself being envious of my animal companions, wishing I had their life of just lying about and being catered to every minute of every day.

I don't fancy children. Even when I was a child, I wasn't fond of children. I am uncomfortable around them and prefer not to be around them at all. There are exceptions to this, of course. If a child is uncommonly well-behaved or intelligent, I can tolerate it much more easily than I normally would. Oddly, children tend to like me and want to hang out with me, much to my dismay. Think of Sam Neill in Jurassic Park. That's me.

When I was a child, I wanted to grow up to be a preacher. I would occasionally get the family together, pull out my Bible, and preach the Gospel to everyone.

I had my first Goddess Experience at the age of 5, when my mother brought home a statue of Durga. For hours, I would lie on the floor and transmit every ounce of imagination and energy into that statue, likewise soaking up its energy, history, and mystery. To this day, Durga is a special Goddess in my life.

All of my celebrity crushes have been male except for 2 females: Annie Lennox and Katee Sackhoff (Starbuck).

Centipedes and, especially, millipedes freak me out more than my ability to express here in words. They are the only creatures I do not hesitate in killing, nor have I any remorse for doing so. Usually, though, I won't kill them because I can't bring myself to get close enough to do the deed.

In school, I was the kid always picked last on teams, the kid who sat by herself in the lunch room, the kid who was isolated and publicly teased without mercy. I was the kid who was relentlessly ostracised and terrorised. Had I been born in a different time and place, I would have been the kid who took a gun to school to dispatch my tormentors once and for all. That said, my reaction to news of school shootings is drastically different from others' typical reactions. Just sayin'......

The very first PG-rated movie I ever saw was Love at First Bite in 1978.

For about 10 minutes in 1986, I had the notion that I wanted to get married and have a family. I quickly came back to my senses and got on with my life.

I have the distinct feeling that I will live out my elder years alone and lonely and, when I die, no one will come to my funeral.

I long for the days of the 70s when things seemed so much simpler. The music was better, the vibe was easier, and the people were cooler. Everyone may have dressed very badly, but it didn't seem to matter since folks just seemed happy. Of course, I know I'm looking back through rose-coloured glasses, but I'm allowed. That's part of growing old: nostalgia without regret.

Current Mood: thoughtful

Profile

The Cliffs of Insanity

October 2016

S	M	T	W	T	F	S
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2	3	4	5	6	7	8
9	10	11	12	13	14	15
16	17	18	19	20	21	22
23	24	25	26	27	28	29
30	31

Syndicate

Page Summary

A Rare Survey Sighting!
Introduction
Some things that the pipples may or may not want to know about me.
Never
Roles
Anti-Social PSYCHO-logy
Harold and Nadine
Things People May or May not (want to) Know about Me

Style Credit

Style: Neutral Good for Practicality by timeasmymeasure

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