What's the Point

[tinhuvielartanis]

You know, the time before last (which was three days ago out of desperation from migraine pain), when I seriously tried to commit suicide, within a week of getting to the house, I was offered a stay in England and in Australia.  When I was in serious danger of losing the place Smidgen and I live, I was offered a place to live, at least for Smidgen, which is my first priorty.

All this started in 2014.

I have gone nowhere and still have no home for Smidgen.

This is why I have trust issues with people.  They will say anything if it makes them think they will with either help and things will get better or I will choose to live.

The hopelessness of my chronic pain only seems to get worse with every passing day.  I live in isolation in this room in a house with people who hate me.

When I bought this harness for Toby, I thought I'd still be able to walk this canyon hill.  In my condition, that's just not happening.  I can't even walk up to the bus stop stop without almost passing out.  I had one dude treat me like like I was some kind of crazy person, because my blood sugar went so low.  Depending on the sentiment, it was either a curse or a blessing I was gotten back in time to get some sugar.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B009028QSC/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o06_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

The harness is easily prepared for idiots like me who never learned how to tie a knot.  It'll be fast and no one will notice.  I'll be taking Smidgen with me, since no one wants her.

When will this happen?  I don't know.  Probably on the spur of the moment, when I have enough money to get to the park.  Sometime in July, probably.  All I know is that I'm sick of the exasperation I receive when I have to go anywhere, even the doctor. I'm tired of being treated like a criminal because of the illnesses I have. I'm tired of being tired and not being able to sleep. And I'm tired of being placated to just to keep me alive, when no one really wants me alive. It's a reflex. What's the point in living when there is no one and nothing to live for?  I'd rather just have honesty and be told that, yes, I am a throaway who was only ever loved by Aunt Tudi.

She's dead now.  What's the point of anything? I am constantly in pain, these migraines are getting more frequent, no hospital or doctor but Sharp will give me any relief, there's no point in continuing like this.

Comments

[brujah.livejournal.com]

You know I love you and you know I wish I could do more. You know that I don't want you to die that I find the world a more intelligent, hospitable place with you in it.

I know you're exhausted and I know you're so very tired of hurting and the constant judgement that comes from having an invisible illness. I understand these things on an intimately level and I even understand going to extremes for some sort of relief to the relentless onslaught that never seems to fucking end.

I know all those things and I give a shit. I care about you. I want you well, rested, healthy, and happy.

This was a pretty painful entry for me to comment on because of recent events in my immediate sphere, but I needed you to know that I'm out here and I care and you're not alone in your suffering.

[emerald-ibis.livejournal.com]

I am really hoping that this isn't too little too late, but I feel the need to say this:

I have been following you on social media for years now, and though I have always been shy about it, I have always admired you for your honesty and wry take on the world. I feel a sort of kinship with you that I can't explain. I truly wish that there was *anything* I could do to assist you in making your life better in even a small fashion.

I hope that you are as OK as possible, given that you have been quiet lately.