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tinhuvielartanisI woke up, went to the bathroom, looked at the calendar that Aunt Tudi had put out...it's her calendar, the only one I have left, because I threw the rest of them away. I looked at it wrong and thought it was the Sunday, the 29th. I had gotten myself all geared up to take Aunt Tudi's clothes up to Janice and tell her she could take them to the Monday flea market tomorrow. That's when she told me she was at the Thursday flea market, and could'nt take the clothes today. I can't touch Aunt Tudi's clothes until I can rush them to Janice and not look at them for long. I told her that whatever money she made, to keep. I don't want the money. I don't want money from something of Aunt Tudi's. Something tells me that wouldn't be right, that I would be nothing but a vulture.Something tells me she would want me, considering my financial situation, having a car payment on top of everything else, but I just can't do that. I won't do it.
I'm forcing myself to begin journaling again, and to talk about how I feel. For a year now, I have felt guilty about laughing, for doing anything that brings me pleasure, because I feel I'm betraying her memory. I've only been up to Craggy Dome once, first having weather conditions where the higher elevations of Blue Ridge Parway were closed, then with the car situation. I knew I'd get to go for sure, since I had solved the car problem. Then I had my seizure behind the wheel and I can't drive for six months. My time is up at the end of January but, by then, Craggy Dome will be shut off again, probably until sometime in April. My luck sucks. And I feel like I suck, I feel like I'm postponing going up there, like I could have done more to go, that I am a bad daughter.
So, yeah, that's what is going on today. I may post again; then again, I may not.
When you can't go anywhere and the only thing you can do is struggle to write, or watch one more movie, I don't see much point in boring whomever read this. Hugs to everyone. Ta.
I'm forcing myself to begin journaling again, and to talk about how I feel. For a year now, I have felt guilty about laughing, for doing anything that brings me pleasure, because I feel I'm betraying her memory. I've only been up to Craggy Dome once, first having weather conditions where the higher elevations of Blue Ridge Parway were closed, then with the car situation. I knew I'd get to go for sure, since I had solved the car problem. Then I had my seizure behind the wheel and I can't drive for six months. My time is up at the end of January but, by then, Craggy Dome will be shut off again, probably until sometime in April. My luck sucks. And I feel like I suck, I feel like I'm postponing going up there, like I could have done more to go, that I am a bad daughter.
So, yeah, that's what is going on today. I may post again; then again, I may not.
When you can't go anywhere and the only thing you can do is struggle to write, or watch one more movie, I don't see much point in boring whomever read this. Hugs to everyone. Ta.
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Date: 2012-10-29 10:17 pm (UTC)