Insanity

[tinhuvielartanis]

I woke up, went to the bathroom, looked at the calendar that Aunt Tudi had put out...it's her calendar, the only one I have left, because I threw the rest of them away. I looked at it wrong and thought it was the Sunday, the 29th. I had gotten myself all geared up to take Aunt Tudi's clothes up to Janice and tell her she could take them to the Monday flea market tomorrow. That's when she told me she was at the Thursday flea market, and could'nt take the clothes today. I can't touch Aunt Tudi's clothes until I can rush them to Janice and not look at them for long. I told her that whatever money she made, to keep. I don't want the money. I don't want money from something of Aunt Tudi's. Something tells me that wouldn't be right, that I would be nothing but a vulture.Something tells me she would want me, considering my financial situation, having a car payment on top of everything else, but I just can't do that. I won't do it.

I'm forcing myself to begin journaling again, and to talk about how I feel. For a year now, I have felt guilty about laughing, for doing anything that brings me pleasure, because I feel I'm betraying her memory. I've only been up to Craggy Dome once, first having weather conditions where the higher elevations of Blue Ridge Parway were closed, then with the car situation. I knew I'd get to go for sure, since I had solved the car problem. Then I had my seizure behind the wheel and I can't drive for six months. My time is up at the end of January but, by then, Craggy Dome will be shut off again, probably until sometime in April. My luck sucks. And I feel like I suck, I feel like I'm postponing going up there, like I could have done more to go, that I am a bad daughter.

So, yeah, that's what is going on today. I may post again; then again, I may not.

When you can't go anywhere and the only thing you can do is struggle to write, or watch one more movie, I don't see much point in boring whomever read this. Hugs to everyone. Ta.

Comments

[angstzeit.livejournal.com]

I understand why you feel the way you do. And I know how hard it is to feel differently--though it will come with time.

[sapphirescarlet.livejournal.com]

I am SO GLAD you are writing this down and showing your therapist. You are NOT a bad daughter. You have done more than anyone else could have, or would have. You are loyal and steadfast and true. (so there!)

[falkenna.livejournal.com]

What she said.

[debrafortune.livejournal.com]

I'm relieved to see you writing again. I wish there were a way I could help. <3

[evcelt.livejournal.com]

Here and listening. You are in my prayers.

[poppypops28.livejournal.com]

I see you have lovely friends who show their support.
They are the fire that warms your soul in this Ice Age
period in your life. Thank you for letting me your daily little
flame.
Grief is such a lonely journey!...there are no recipes. One day the
'click!' will happen. Believe me. I was there. FORZA!
All my love! Xxxx

[nonabloch.livejournal.com]

Writing this kind of stuff down is good. Even if it doesn't seem helpful now, it could be helpful at some point.

Keep writing.

[dandelion-diva.livejournal.com]

I read this. I'll read whatever you write. I'm always glad when I see you've updated.

[ladyana5.livejournal.com]

I'm glad to see you writing again! Good luck.

[janalyson.livejournal.com]

you forget, my dear, who you are talking to, and whose sister and her significant other is coming to see us very soon. Information loading in my brain now....

[falkenna.livejournal.com]

So there!