Motivation and other Alien Concepts

[tinhuvielartanis]

I have had zero motivation to do anything in the past week or so. I think it has a lot to do with my disability hearing in front of the judge this past Monday. The lawyer didn't seem very confidant after the almost 2-hour ordeal. If the judge rules against me, then the lawyer says he will appeal, but it will be an uphill battle from there. So, great. I've had thoughts of suicide because I can't continue to be a burden on Aunt Tudi and I can't find work that I am physically or mentally able to do. What am I supposed to do? I'm a useless person and would be better off dead. So that's where my thoughts have been lingering and keeping me from writing.

On Facebook, I was befriended by Tom Hardy. I'm pretty sure it's not the real Tom Hardy, but you just never know about things like this. I have a perfect example: my relationship with Barry Andrews, which began online with doubts about who he really was until I spoke with him on the telephone. Shortly after I was befriended by "Tom," someone posted a link to a clip from Sergeant Slaughter: My Big Brother, where Tom Hardy is naked ~ full frontal. I was horrified. Of course, I didn't click the link because I never wanted to see Tom Hardy naked. He's aligned with the character of Cadmus Pariah. There's a fair amount of modesty that surrounds that affiliation. Shortly after the link was posted, "Tom Hardy" poked me. Gawd. No. I backed far away from the embarrassing situation and began to lurk on FB, claiming to be Woefully Horrified. Which I was. I still am. And why? I opened a link in an email from a friend and it led me to that movie clip, so I accidentally saw it anyway. I've been pouring bleach on my eyes ever since.

I had a long bout with insomnia and migraines. My mind raced with snippets of songs and commercial jingles until my head began to burst with pain. This lasted over a week, and it caused me to experience Space Madness while I was up during the day. My Lyrica prescription finally arrived and I was then able to sleep without being plagued by a racing mind. I slept over nine hours last night. 'Twas glorious!

Tomorrow, I'm going to force myself to open up my The Harming Tree file, and write at least 1000 words. Cadmus shadows my every move on a psychic level. B has felt it too. After over 10 years of this happening, I wasn't surprised when it happened today. I was speaking of Cadmus to Aunt Tudi earlier today and I immediately got an email from B. I can't count how many times this has happened, as it is innumerable. So yeah, I need to feed the demon so he'll quieten down. B was needing the jpegs of his Vile Homunculus. He said the creature had work to do. Seems his own demon demands feeding too.

Comments

[moad-terran-hq.livejournal.com]

You are by no means a 'useless person'. I've never met a useles person who is so accomplished in thought and writing as you. You are a spectacular writer and intellect - do not forget this; or I shall be forced to find you and profoundly slap you with a live mackerel. In addition, you would be horribly, horribly missed by a very large group of people; so you have a small responsibility to all of us as well.


Useless....pshaw.

Go give that demon in your head a treat - after a good night's sleep, Angel.

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

I *heart* you.

[gunslingaaahhh.livejournal.com]

writing novels for me to edit makes you useless? hardly. just because the lawyer isnt confident doesnt mean the case is lost; it might just mean hes a shitty lawyer. please do not think of yourself as a burden; aunt tudi loves you and you guys need each other. i know shit is tough, but nothing is ever so tough that removing yourself is the only option. please remember that and remember that i love you, too.

im sorry, the naked thing still makes me laugh. and idk, tom was a big fan of myspace for a long while... he may even still be. id look into it, but facebook keeps changing its security options w/ privacy, and it makes it a lot harder for me to spelunk as i once did.

im glad you got some well deserved rest =)

barry is love.

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

Barry is love? What sort of crack house are you frequenting out there in California? :D

[waterdawg.livejournal.com]

You are far from useless. Besides your writing, you sound like you are a help to Aunt Tudi beyond money. The disability route is so impossibly stressful and depressing. I went though it with David and only ended up past disability payment. He gave up. Usually you are looking at a minimum of 4 appeals and a minimum of 5 years. I've heard more like 10 years.

During this time you do feel worthless, but you are not. You are a person in need of a bit of help and deserve it.

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your words. I'm not sure I'm strong enough for this fight, but I'm not strong enough to work either. I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

[waterdawg.livejournal.com]

just keep trying - all you can do. All my hope for you.

[falkenna.livejournal.com]

What they said, all of it.
And yes, you have to keep going, because this appeal system is obviously some twisted sadistic plot to stop people from getting the disability allowances they deserve -- so you have to put that Sith head on and defeat them!

Motivation.....

[(Anonymous)]

Hi Pumpkin!

You are one of the LEAST worthless people on this planet, comprende?
What we feel about ourselves is always a subjective matter, and not always based on reality.

Please let me know if I can help in any way.

All the Best!
Give my regards to aunt Tudi.

Yours sincerely,

Oleander 56

[gatheringrivers]

My gf only had to go through one appeal for disability. The hearing took about 45 minutes, I was there as a....material witness? Something like that - since I'd been driving her around and dealing with her doctors and all that - and they never called me in.

The good thing, at least in NY, is that once you DO get approved, you get ALL the disability funds you would have gotten if you were approved the first time. So since it had been a few years to get her appeal in front of a judge, she got a respectably sized windfall, spread out over the span of several months.

I don't know if that applies in your state or not - but if so, it's a silver lining in the cloud of red-tape-stupid you're dealing with.

{{{HUGS}}}