Runny Nose? Check. Raspy Voice? Check. Cough from Hell? Check. Headache? Check.

Yeah, I'm sick. Really, horribly sick. Funny thing is, I got this thing from Aunt Tudi. Typically, I just carry whatever bug is floating around and give it to her. She has a near death experience and I go buy her medicines. This time, though, I can hardly hold my head up. Oh, and I have diarrhea. What a lovely thing this malady is.

I want pie.
And Cheerwine.
And Nyquil.

Breaking the Monotony

I had to get away from reading about Andrei Chikatilo and do something constructive, so I present these funnies for to tickle your bone (the funny bone, that is).

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Funny #1
Sad News to Report: Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 91. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The grave side was piled high with flours. His long-time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business; he was really on a roll; but his life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and a bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

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Funny #2
Hmmm.. Did you know...? While both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the Summer of each year, according to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of Winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the Spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known.... Only women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

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We won't get to enjoy these much longer, so relish while you can, eh?

Funny #3
George W. Bush Presidential Library Destroyed by Flood
The rain that has flooded Washington these past two days has destroyed what would have been the start of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. The rising flood waters reached the presidential bathroom where the books were kept. Both books have been lost.
A presidential spokesperson said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished colouring the second one. The White House tried to call FEMA, but there was no answer..

Funny #4
Robert Gates briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq over the weekend. To everyone's amazement, all the colour ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Gates, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

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Funny #5
Actual announcements taken from church bulletins:

1. Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.


2. Thursday night potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.


3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.


4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.


5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer.


6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.


7. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.


8. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed," accompanied by the pastor.


9. Thursday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.


10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward ad lay an egg on the altar.


11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." Of of the ladies will (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.


12. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.


13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they be seen in th church basement Friday.


14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.


15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.


16. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.


17. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.


18. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.


19. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and the deterioration of some older ones.


20. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.


21. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.


22. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan, who are preparing for the girth of their new child.


23. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.


24. The Lutheran Men's Group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.


25. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge -- Up Yours."

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Funny #6
John and Joe were twins. They were alike in many ways and only their closest friends could tell them apart. Now John was married and Joe was single. Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated rowboat. A strange thing happened to the boys. On the day that John's wife died, Joe's rowboat sank. A few days after, a kind old lady met Joe on the street and, mistaking him for John, she said, "I'm awfully to sorry to hear of your misfortune. You must feel terrible about it."

But Joe broke down and said, "I'm not sorry at all. She was a rotten old thing, right from the start. Her bottom was all chewed out and she smelled like an old dead fish. The first time I got in her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a terrible crack in her bottom and a pretty bad hole in her front. Every time I used her, the hole kept getting bigger and bigger. I got so I could handle her alright but, when anyone else used her, she leaked like hell. But this is what really finished here: four men from the other side of town asked me if I would lend her. I did and I warned them as to what she was like, but they didn't mind. Being over anxious to get going, they all tried getting into her at the same time and it was too much. She cracked right up the middle and her bottom fell clear out."

The kind old lady fainted.

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Funny #7
A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and, as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note....romantic, but not too personal.]

Accompanied by hi sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sear and brought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves while the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart with this note.

Darling,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the , I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away a they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think of how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All My Love

PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

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Funny #8
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter him in the races. At the local auctions, the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that, since he had a donkey, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came their place. The next day, the Racing Form carried this headline:

PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey, he entered it in the races again and, this time, the donkey won! The Form then reported:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The following day, the newspaper printed this headline:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was just too much for the bishop, and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day read:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00. The newspaper then reported:

NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS

They buried the bishop the next day.

Nadine/Flagg "coincidence"

Not for the first time, I get a letter from B, then find The Stand on the telly, right at the scene where Nadine is "promised" to Randall Flagg in her dream. I swear, my hair will be snow white one day and I'll plunge from a tall building with a devil bun in the oven.

Introduction

I've acquired a few new friends over the past few days, so I guess I should explain myself a tad.

Here's the short of it: I'm going through a really bad, American-economic depression at the moment, so some of my posts may not be something you'll want to read. I dig that, but I must warn, I do few filters, because I'm an out-there sort of chick.

Come January, I should be back in school, taking Health Unit Coordination and possibly engaging in work study because I'm a po-sad-assed-proletariat-uneducated rube.

Most usually, I identify as a Sith Witch. That's pretty much explained here. Everything else is explained here

I'm a devout, avid, probably scary fan of the avant garde English band Shriekback, helping to write the majority still found on the newly revamped site. Barry Andrews is of particular interest to me and has long been an inspiration and phobia-focus for many happy years.
I have too many cats, but never enough. Once I'm back on my feet financially, I will once again retain my lofty status of Crazy Cat Lady of the neighbourhood, much to my neighbours' chagrin.

I voted for Barack Hussein Obama. I think he's just the coolest guy on Earth, besides Barry Andrews and Prince. I live in a Red State with a naturally blue arse, because I'm cold-natured. I will someday be lynched by idiot Rednecks with more guns than they have sense. I just hope I make it to 21 December, 2012, at which time the Mayan prophecy will destroy us all and set things aright, to which I say about damned time. This I call The Alpaca Lips and there's a church for this. I can be found here: alpaca_lips. All acolytes are welcome and encouraged to add to the prophecies.

I would like to think that I'm a pretty good writer, having written one small novel already, entitled The Chalice, and am working on its sequel The Blood Crown. If there's anything else any of you want to know, I'm pretty much an open book, so ask away suckas.

So, now that you've read this, if you're still keen on staying, my the Mighty Mother Goddess have mercy on your pathetic boredom-ridden souls. Oh, and it's nice to meet you. I don't usually add people, because I hate rejection and it kills me when I add someone and they don't add me back. It's an esteem issue, so deal yo.

Bimghamton, NY

I just called the sheriff's department in Binghamton to give them all the information I know about Llew and the Bitch Daughter. They said they'd be on the lookout for him and to call them back in a couple of days to see if there are any leads.

Tonight is the night if it can be prevented at all.