The Cliffs of Insanity

After several traffic snarls and waiting on red lights, Ned finally found his way to the Pagoda at the corner of Partridge and Andrews. Standing in front of the bar was a tiny woman with spiked black hair beside a taller lady with long brown hair. They spied the white Oldsmobile and waved at him. These must be Mister J’s friends. Ned pulled to the curb and unlocked the doors. The two piled into the car, the spiky-haired woman getting in the front beside Ned.

“Howdy-do Ned, I’m Annie!”

“And I’m Roxy,” the velvet-voiced lady in the back leaned forward and extended a hand. “Nice to meet you.”

Ned took her hand. “Same here. Ned Kelly.”

“So J finally decided to reach out, eh?” Annie laughed.

“Well, in a manner of speaking….” Ned said reluctantly.

“Wait a minute. He doesn’t know we’re coming to see him, does he?” Roxy said.

Ned’s silence spoke volumes. Both women burst out laughing, making Ned even more uncomfortable because they reminded him of his boss in their unexplained glee.

“Oh, is he gonna be surprised!” Annie chortled.

“I can’t wait to see the smiiiiile on his face!” Roxy exclaimed.

Ned was starting to get an uneasy feeling about this, but he hit the gas and headed back to base. The trip back didn’t take nearly as long as he’d hoped. Ned led them into the abandoned building and turned on the light in the main room.

“How’dja get electricity?” Annie asked.

“We tapped into a nearby warehouse,” Ned said. “Mister J showed us how.”

“Smart guy, that man. Does he still have Leopold?”

Ned’s eyes widened in surprise. “Uh, yeah. How – “

“I sold the hedgie to him before his unfortunate incarceration,” Roxy whirred merrily.

There was that familiar stomp on the stairs that told Ned his boss was coming down. Ned closed his eyes, took a deep breath, then he opened them again. When the Joker appeared at the bottom of the stairs, he was already talking.

“Ned-d, I thought it would take you longer than this,” the Joker complained. “What, did you just go for a joy ride around the pad-d before – “

“J!!!!!” Came twin female voices. And Roxy and Annie sprinted over to an astounded Clown Prince of Crime, hugging him at the same time.

The Joker quickly regained his criminal composure, but not before shooting Ned a murderous glance. “Well, if it isn’t my Living Dead Girl and my Maggie May! Together! In one place. Are you still dancing the Tango and kicking your dates in the head, Annie?”

Ned began to silently say his prayers.

“Not since you, J, not since you. Life’s been dull.”

“And how about you, Roxy my dear. Still selling hapless beasts to the Great Unwashed-d?”

“Nope. I’m running a rescue mission for hapless beasts to escape the Great Unwashed.”

“It heartens me to know your misanthropy is still in high gear.”

“Almost as high as yours, J. I’ve missed you, though.” And Roxy kissed him on one snow white cheek.

The Joker clapped his gloved hands and said, “Well, it looks like weee have a lot of catching up to do. Why don’t you girls go on upstairs to my room? It’s the firrrst one on the right-t. Leopold’s in there, Roxy. And, Annie, the iPod is already playing tunes. Get yourselves something to drink from the fridge. I’ll be right up faster than you can say, ‘please, no no no, I’m sorry Mister J!’”

The ladies thought he was kidding as they climbed the stairs. Ned knew he wasn’t. Once they were out of earshot, the Joker was on his henchman like a freckle. Before he thought, Ned heard himself say, “Please, no, I’m sorry Mister J!”

“What-t werrre you theeenking? Werrrre you thinking, Ned-d? How did you find these two? Togetherrr?”

“Th-there was this card for the record store and i-i-it had Annie’s number on it. I figured it was some-someone you may want to s-s-see again. When she said sh-she knew someone else who might want to see you, I thought I’d found the-the-the two women you wanted. I thought I was doing what Sidney would have d-d-d-done.”

“Sid-ney would have minded his own god-d damned-d businesss. That’s what got him a few extra years on a life notorrrriousleee short. That was the secret to Sidney’s success. Now, do you wanna know something else?”

“What?”

“Wanna know how I got these scars?”

“N-no…?” Ned said, unsure of what the correct answer was.

“Good, because I wasn’t gonna tell your sorry ass.” With one quick move outward with his right arm, the Joker cut Ned Kelly’s throat. Before the boy was even dead, the Joker called for a goon, any goon within earshot. Two came. “Clean that-t up within the hour,” he said, pointing at the twitching form on the floor. “And I need a new driver. Whichever one of you comes back after getting rid of that-t is it.”