Hatter

Nov. 19th, 2009 06:48 pm
tinhuvielartanis: (Danny Orphaeus)
He has everything that sings to me as a weirdo and an appreciator of the Strange and Unusual ("I myself am strange and unusual...."). Already [livejournal.com profile] luvthyjoker has fallen under his jaundiced sway. I'm pretty certain all Depp fans, most Joker fans, whatever surviving Maul fans there are left, and lovers of Danny Elfman will fall hard for the Mad Hatter. I'm going to fight this. I'm going to fight it hard.

This wouldn't be a Joker situation for me. No. It would be more of a full-on Maulific lust thing. Sure, there's psychology there. He's mad, of course. Actually, he looks more demented than mad. That's neither here nor there. Anyone in his or her right mind (ha!) knows that combining Johnny Depp and the Mad Hatter was a 100% win situation. Tim Burton knew this. Why do you think Depp is now the poster child for the new Burton movie? Already there's a buzz going on about the movie, mainly due to the images of Johnny Depp as the Hatter.

I reiterate... I'm going to fight this.

I don't need any more fandom in my world. I've gotten in enough trouble as is. I need some peace. I need to write my own stuff. And I grew up at a time when Tom Petty was the Mad Hatter. You don't get over that in 24 years (when the video for "Don't Come Around Here No More" came out). And I've never been fond of the Lewis Carroll stories. The only characters I ever liked were Mad Hatter and that Hookah-sucking caterpillar (trippy, man!). Even the Cheshire Cat never really did much for me. And Tom Petty almost scared me off the Mad Hatter. I don't want to be a poorly-clad cake, thank you, and your tea looks weak.

So I have devised some anti-Hatter tactics and reasoning behind my refusal to get on this particular Crazy Train. My first tactic is my first reaction to Depp's Hatter upon being shown his picture by [livejournal.com profile] luvthyjoker:

"THAT looks like Tim Burton picked up Danny Elfman and knocked Johnny Depp upside the head with him." No seriously. Look...at...him...

Mad Hatter

Back in the day, Danny Elfman had a very similar 'do. Not that out there, but the same colour and texture. Burton's getting his fave dudes discombobulated and he's trying to make me to do the same, but I'm not gonna.

Okay, how about this? Just recently, Johnny Depp was proclaimed the sexiest man in America. This.

hatter eyeballs

The man's liver is busted and one eye is larger than the other. If this is sexy, what is scary in America? See, except for the funky eye colour, I already have one of these in my head. His name is Orphaeus Cygnus. He's a bit off in a fun sort of way. He has red hair. I don't recall him ever wearing a hat, though... ...again, that's neither here nor there. What I see here is a serious conflict of interest in my head. The first time Johnny Depp and Danny Elfman ever took the silver screen together, it nearly destroyed me. I'm not over Edward Scissorhands yet and, to this day, refuse to listen to any of Elfman's score from that movie. It took me two years before I could set eyes on Johnny Depp without tearing up.

I blame Tim Burton and my own outcast nature for all that, but the fact remains that I have issues when it comes to Depp and Elfman. The two should never ever share even a hint of physical resemblance. They're both beautiful in their own right. Mash 'em together and what have you got? A seriously jaundiced red-head who hasn't seen sunlight in 4 years probably because he's been in a small room in a straight-jacket. He also needs a liver transplant and a tooth filling. And some corrective eye surgery to fix that unsettling Picasso look he has going on there.

So yeah. Mad Hatter.

I may end up eating my own hat when I say that I refuse to succumb to my natural fascination with him. Too many pitfalls and pratfalls await my dance down that path to perdition. I'm keeping Elfman to my left, Depp to my right, and Burton in front of me where I can keep an eye on his sneaky arse.

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