What's Up?

[tinhuvielartanis]

I'm dealing with a great deal of depression, mixed with moments of serious anxiety and obsessive compulsive issues at night. I went to a doctor about it because it was getting to the point that Aunt Tudi was worried that I might...end it all. I was beyond the bottom of the box and my lack of sleep was driving me to take drastic action. Aunt Tudi knew this and she convinced me to go to the doctor instead. This was in December. The doc put me on an anti-depressant that was supposed to help me sleep and waylay the panic attacks. I'm still not sleeping after the doctor raised the dosage three times so far. The only thing it has done is take away my motivation to do anything. I still have the inclination to engage in the Big Sleep just so I can get some freakin' sleep but I can't really be bothered to take action. This medication has turned me into a zombie and taken away my ability to write. I'm supposed to go back to see my actual official doctor on the 26th. Hopefully he'll take me off the Clomipramine and help me with these brain issues I have. I'm tired of doing advanced mathematical equations that blow me away since I barely understand 2+2. I'm sick of my brain constantly churning and never letting me have peace. And I must must must be given back my ability to write. It's all I have and I can't have that taken away. It's like I'm dying a slow death, trapped in a flesh prison that is incapable of proper behaviour. So that's what's up.

Comments

[miintikwa.livejournal.com]

Love to you, soul-sister. *hug*

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Sweet Pea. :)

[dandelion-diva.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, hon. I wish I could make things better.

Sending you lots of good thoughts and vibes.

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

Just knowing that my friends are still here makes things better. I feel like I've abandoned LJ because I can't seem to write a thing, but I am present, I promise.

[captainbrittany.livejournal.com]

:(

Sounds like a really tough time, but look at the strength that you have to fight through it.

I hope that your doctor listens to you and does something about your medication, and is able to help you get back to your awesome writing and restful sleeping.

*hugs*

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much. I do appreciate all the good vibes you guys are sending me.

[dostoevsky-girl.livejournal.com]

ick, sorry to hear that the meds are nearly as bad as the symptoms. stick with it, and try to be vocal. lots of people don't find a good psych drug their first couple of tries. make sure you don't downplay any of the side effects that are bugging you, and don't be reluctant to try different things.

*hugs*

hang in there

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

At this point, I'm willing to try anything that will trigger my writer button. :) Thanks for the hugs.

[persephone65.livejournal.com]

Tin, I hope you will forgive the imposition of my posting here, as you don't know me but I've often seen your journal via a friend's friends pag. You are such a gifted writer, what a terrible hole would be left if this world were without you! I just wanted to say I have in my past felt so much like you describe your current state, and it is an abyssmal way to feel - but the right medication can help immensely to take you back to feeling like the regular YOU again over time. Others are correct when they say that sometimes it takes finding the right meds. I went through two different prescriptions before my doctor found the one that began to make a difference. Sometimes a good counselor can also offer some help. Also tried biofeedback therapy, and that did help me with the anxiety, because anti-anxiety meds did not work well for me personally. There are a lot of options. I just wanted to offer you some empathy and say that it can get better, and it *will* get better - hang in there. Please do have a frank talk with your doc about trying a different med, and see if there are any other resources he can steer you towards. Wish you healing and peace!

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much for your kindess. Do youu mind if I add you as a friend? You seem like lovely soul and Persephone is one of my favourite Goddesses.

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

You're always so eloquent and wise with your advice and support. Thank you so much for being present in my life.

[durgablue.livejournal.com]

You are extraordinarily strong, to be without sleep for long periods of time is maddening, make no mistake about it. It's odd, I haven't thought of this in years, but a friend of mine had some type of reaction to asprin, or something like that, and couldn't sleep for days, at all. Not even a little bit. But sleep did return to him.
I hope this resolves itself soon, until then, my thoughts are with you.

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

The support of my friends ~ my Tribe ~ is what makes me strong. So thank you for being there for me. I never take any of you for granted and I'm always grateful for your presence.

i like this new layout!

[gunslingaaahhh.livejournal.com]

oh, december. 2D was right, you know. that was scary but im glad you listened to her.

it boggles my mind that whichever docs you've been seeing cant come up w/ the right combo or dose of meds to make it so you can function. i really should just scan and email you the pages from Friend's book. it explained exactly what each antidepressant does, what the side effects are, etc. it was incredibly informative and listed quite a few i hadnt heard of. if i get a chance to see her this weekend ill ask her to scan for you.

i thought the ativan was helping a little w/ the sleeping? obviously not. hmm... this might be a stupid suggestion but what about plain old melatonin? the body already produces it naturally and ive taken it for sleep. it worked pretty well and i guess it also helps calm you down? i didnt take it for anxiety or anything like that but you never know.

my natural inclination to be holden caulfield and catch everyone will never go away. i am here, the cabal is here, 2D is here. we all love you very much. you have books to write and finish and great things to do.

i am here in any capacity you need me to be. <3

Re: i like this new layout!

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

::glomps you whether you like it or not::

We'll see what happens on the 26th. In the meantime, I'm just grateful for you and everyone here. You're my solid stone of support. :}

Re: i like this new layout!

[gunslingaaahhh.livejournal.com]

*glomps you right the fuck back*

im hoping some appropriate changes are made on the 26th. this comes back to my point of wtf the point of the meds is (beyond the obvious) if its making you into a slug. the idea is that the meds help you feel better so you're productive! not a fucking... idk warty bump-on-a-log. you need something w/ a lower level of sedative or w/e.

tell them you need caffeine haha.

[angstzeit.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry things are so sucky. Doctors can be schmucks and I know it's difficult to shop around for a good one where you're at. I hope you can find someone you can work with.

Something odd I discovered recently for dealing with loneliness in the night are web cams. Seeing live images from the other side of the world where it is daytime and there's people doing ordinary things somehow makes me feel less isolated.

Be as well as you can and never fear to reach out when you need to.

[tinhuviel.livejournal.com]

Thank you m'dear. I really appreciate you. Truly.

[teague.livejournal.com]

It's clear what the patient needs is a Llamabotomy.

*hugs and adds support.*

[evcelt.livejournal.com]

::hugs::

You'll be in my prayers...

I'm with you babes.

[acook.livejournal.com]

Oh baby oh baby, do I know what you are going through. I have had similar issues with sleep, anxiety and depression for my entire adolescent/adult life. I dunno if it brain chemistry or emotional hoodoo, or crazy fucking demons that are keeping us up at night, but doctor's couldn't fix me either. Recently (within the last few weeks) my sleep paralysis has reached an insane frequency; almost every night or other night, and I have become so paranoid that I essentially cannot get to sleep when it's dark out. This doesn't work terribly well with my 8AM classes, I am finding out. I am so fucking tired, oh my lord.

I also had the EXACT same experience with anti-depressants, and have all but vowed never to take them again. I was a zombie. Sure, I wasn't going to kill myself anymore (I've been there too; when you're THAT tired it seems like the only way to rest) but I wasn't exactly living either.

I know I've been unavailable lately (goddammit art center) but if you ever need to e-mail me or FB or whatever you always can, even when I'm not online for IMing. I know exactly how frustrated you must be, and while I don't really have any ANSWERS I at least have the comfort of shared experience to offer.

Hope you get some answers and a better solution SOON!

<3

[polypolyglot.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, T. *HUGS*

[popfiend.livejournal.com]

Thoughts, prayers and *hugs*.

<3 ya much T. and if there is anything I can do let me know.
- O.

[hipstamom.livejournal.com]

sending my greetings to the cliffs. My new anti-crazy pills make me nauseous and I can't sleep for shit.

The only thing that knocks me out is Tylenol3. My poor brain feels like it's constantly flushing. Urgh...

I love the new journal theme too!

[mutantjules.livejournal.com]

jesus, I'm sorry. a lot of meds need to be shuffled around until you find one that works right. just hang in there, good luck!

[podmeister.livejournal.com]

So sorry that you're having a shit time, I hope it gets sorted quick as *hug*

[es-skysurfer.livejournal.com]

Eurgh, psych meds :( Im sorry to hear you're having such a shite time...

Personally, the only thing that gives me guaranteed, hangover-free sleep is Seroquel. They're gonna have to pry that stuff out of my cold, dead hands if they want me off it!

The likelihood is that one drug alone wont get rid of all the issues, my psych always tells me that usually its a combination of drugs that does the trick in the end.

I'll have my fingers, toes, intestines et al crossed on the 26th, hoping this guy makes some changes for you :)

*huge hugs*

[magnacarta13.livejournal.com]

It's all about finding the right medication. Depression is, in my opinion, a mental "broken leg" -- though it feels more like a broken heart, admittedly. You need to bind it up and fix it. I have been on Paxil for several years. Menopause is taxing, and I may need a stronger dose sometime. However, when I was experiencing post-natal depression they put me on something called Wellbutrin that made me want to kill my husband. I suggested to my doc that that was suboptimal. LOL. It isn't easy finding the right one sometimes. Hang in there. You're still ok -- just some chemicals in your brain broke!

[furnacechant.livejournal.com]

*hugs* It took me quite a awhile to find a doctor who was willing to believe that my insomnia was causing the depression rather than the other way around and just give me sleeping pills (though I can understand why giving narcotics to someone who has admitted suicidal thoughts would be a thing they are cautious about), but that for sure made all the difference. OTOH, the sleeping pills aren't always effective after a while, either. I'm hoping to try a weighted blanket soon as everyone who has says it's wonderful, will try to review it for you if I can. Hope you can get feeling better soon.