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tinhuvielartanis) wrote2009-07-02 07:26 am
Maul vs. Kenobi (repost)
Darth Maul, Obi Wan Kenobi, and Anakin Skywalker are all creative property of George Lucas. Judge Judy belongs to herself and don’t you forget it! And in the tradition of her show, "This is the court of Judge Judith Sheindlin. The cases are real…the rulings are final….."
Feedback, if you’re so inclined ;-): susperia5@yahoo.com
Maul vs. Kenobi
Byrd: All parties on Maul vs. Kenobi, step forward please!
Announcer: 33 year old Sith Lord Darth Maul is suing 29 year old Jedi Knight Obi Wan Kenobi for medical bills Mr. Maul incurred after Mr. Kenobi bisected him during a fight. Mr. Kenobi claims that Mr. Maul killed his Jedi Master in cold blood and is suing for damages.
Byrd: All rise! (Enter Judge Judy) Judge, this is case number 6969 in the matter of Maul vs. Kenobi. Parties have been sworn in, Judge. (To the courtroom)You may be seated.(Looking at the witnesses) Folks have a seat.
Judge Judy:Okay, Mr. Maul –
Darth Maul:That is Darth Maul
Judge Judy:(eyes wide with anger) I don’t care if you’re King Maul! In my courtroom, you’ll be addressed as Mister. Got it???
Darth Maul:Yesss…..Your Honour…..
Judge Judy:Now! According to your complaint, Mr. Kenobi here cut you in half during a fight that he and …… his master….instigated. You’re asking for 5000 Republic Credits to offset the huge medical bills incurred during your recuperation. Right?
Darth Maul:Yesss, Your Honour…..
Judge Judy:Tell me what happened, Mr. Maul.
Darth Maul:(glowering at the Judge) I was sent to Naboo by my Master to help the Neimoidians hold onto the Theed Palace. The Jedi were en route to retake it from the Trade Federation and I was to try to reach an amicable agreement with the Jedi and to persuade Queen Amidala –
ObiWan Kenobi: Persuade…yeah, right.
Judge Judy:Mr. Kenobi, don’t interrupt. You’ll get your turn.
ObiWan Kenobi: But Judge –
Judge Judy:SH!! (Kenobi scowls and looks down)
Darth Maul:I was to persuade the Queen to sign the treaty legitimising the Trade Federation’s occupation of Naboo. So I chose to face the Jedi in the Theed hanger and talk with them before they wreaked too much havoc throughout the palace.
(Kenobi laughs and gets a stern stare from Judge Judy)
Darth Maul:I remember the hanger doors opening and seeing them with all manner of weaponry. And Jinn said, "We’ll handle this." And –
Judge Judy:Don’t tell me what someone else said, Mr. Maul. Just what happened.
Darth Maul:(murder in his eyes) They pulled their light sabers first, so I had no choice but to pull mine and ignite it. The two Jedi began to attack me ~ two on one, I say! So I did the only thing I could: defend myself until I could find a more…nonconfrontational way to resolve the matter.
ObiWan Kenobi: Oh, puh-lease!!
Judge Judy:OHP!! (places a finger to her lips and glares at Kenobi)
Darth Maul:I was finally successful in splitting up the Jedi and began to work on the older, slower, yet more experienced (Maul sneers at Kenobi) of the two, Mr. Jinn. He wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise, since all he wanted to do was fight. I could tell he was getting tired and feared his heart may give out, so I tried walking away from him, thinking that I might be able to talk logically with Kenobi. As I turned, Qui Gon Jinn lunged for me and impaled himself on my lightsaber.
ObiWan Kenobi: Nooooooo!!!
Judge Judy:Mr. Kenobi, am I going to have to ask Byrd to escort you outta here? Another outburst from you and you’ve had it!!
ObiWan Kenobi: But Judge, that’s all wrong!
Judge Judy:Not another word from you Mr. Kenobi or you’ll be sorry!
ObiWan Kenobi: (Whining) Yes, Judge….
Judge Judy:Was there an investigation into Mr. Jinn’s death, Mr. Maul?
Darth Maul:Yesss… Senator Palpatine himself headed up the Oo’Arren Commission investigating the incident. The Commission found me to be innocent of any wrongdoing. Of course (turning to gaze menacingly at Kenobi) I was not aware of any of this since I was in a coma for 6 months!
ObiWan Kenobi: hmmph….
Judge Judy:So, Mr. Jinn lay dying and you approached Mr. Kenobi.
Darth Maul:Yesss…
Judge Judy:Why?
Darth Maul:I went to see if Mr. Kenobi was okay because he shouted as though hurt, and to ask him to go get help for his Master. But the energy barrier dissipated and he jumped me! It was like he had no regard whatsoever for his Master, who lay dying on the floor. (Maul glances at Kenobi, smiling slightly)
(Kenobi glares and clenches his teeth to keep from responding)
Judge Judy:Do not goad the defendant, Mr. Maul. I know what you’re doing. Do I have dumb written on my forehead?
Darth Maul:(narrowing his eyes with hatred) No, Your Honour.
Judge Judy:Continue!
Darth Maul:I easily overcame Mr. Kenobi and had him dangling by his fingernails in the energy shaft. I was hoping that his precarious position would encourage him to come to the table and help me bring a peaceful resolution to the crisis before us. It was then that he used the Force to take Mr. Jinn’s lightsaber and leap into the air behind me. When I turned to plead with him to be sensible about it all, he cut me in half and watched me fall. My witness here found me at the bottom of the shaft and dialed 911 from her cel phone. She saved my life!
Judge Judy:(to Darth Maul’s witness) Step forward, ma’am. What’s your name, miss?
Ms. Evans: Tracy Evans, Your Honour
Judge Judy:And your relationship to Mr. Maul?
Ms. Evans: We are currently in a relationship and I’m also his apprentice.
Judge Judy:And how was it you happened to find Mr. Maul on the day in question?
Ms. Evans: I felt a disturbance in the Force and just happened to be there when Maul’s two halves hit bottom.
Judge Judy:BALONEY! Why were you really there, Ms. Evans? And don’t lie to me! You aren’t helping Mr. Maul’s case by lying to me!
Ms. Evans:(hangs her head) I’d just finished kicking the shit out of a couple of dumb Gungans and was hiding from the authorities. But when Maul fell right in front of me, I had to do something!
Judge Judy:So you called 911 and then what happened?
Ms. Evans: An ambulance came and transported him to Theed Regional Medical Center where he stayed for seven months.
Judge Judy:Thank you Ms. Evans. You may sit down. Mr. Maul I want to see your medical bills.
(Darth Maul hands the medical bills to Byrd, who then hands them to Judge Judy. She takes a look at them)
Judge Judy:Mr. Maul, these bills add up to well over 700,000 Republic Credits. Do you have insurance and did it not cover most of this?
Darth Maul:Yes, Your Honour, I have HealthSith Insurance, but the deductible is 5,000 Credits.
Judge Judy:That’s atrocious, Mr. Maul! You should change Health plans, sir. You’re being ripped off! Why haven’t you changed already?
Darth Maul:(growling) Because they have a good dental plan, Your Honour…
Judge Judy:USE IT! (rolls eyes in disgust and looks at Byrd, who just shrugs and grins knowingly)
Announcer: Judge Judy will return after these messages.
(Fade in a glorious vision of a "Magical Kingdom" with stirring music)
"When you wish upon a star,
makes no difference who you are.
Sith or Jedi, Slave or Hutt,
your dreams come true.
Come to DisneySpace and see
how expensive we can be,
we will take you for a ride
or maybe twoooooooo!"
"Make your vacation a Magical Kingdom vacation. Call your travel agent for details" (Mr. Watto @ 499-555-JUNK, that’s 499-555-5865)
Announcer: And now back to Judge Judy. Darth Maul is suing ObiWan Kenobi for medical bills Mr. Kenobi caused by cutting Darth Maul in half. Mr. Kenobi says Mr. Maul is a murderer and a liar.
Judge Judy:Okay, Mr. Kenobi, let’s hear it.
ObiWan Kenobi: Everything he told you is a lie, Your Honour! Master Qui Gon and I were at the Theed palace to defend the Queen and, when we saw this Sith, we knew we had to confront him since he’d already attacked Qui Gon earlier on Tatooine. I have a witness to back me up here.
Judge Judy:(looking at Kenobi’s witness) Step up, young man. (Kenobi’s witness steps up beside Kenobi) What’s your name, young man?
Anakin Skywalker: Anakin Skywalker, Your Honour.
Judge Judy:And how do you feel today?
Anakin Skywalker: I’m cold, Your Honour.
Judge Judy:You aren’t afraid are you?
Anakin Skywalker: No, Your Honour.
Judge Judy:Do you want to tell me what happened on Tatooine?
Anakin Skywalker: Well, I was following Master Qui Gon to the Queen’s ship when he yelled for me to drop. If I hadn’t fallen when I did, Darth Maul would have turned me into orange goo with his speeder! He jumped off the speeder and attacked Master Qui Gon right there. I ran to the ship to get help. If we hadn’t gone to pick Master Qui Gon up, Darth Maul would have killed him right then, I know!
Judge Judy:(looking at Darth Maul) Is this true?
Darth Maul:Your Honour, this little –"
Judge Judy:IS THIS TRUE? Answer the question, Mr. Maul.
Darth Maul:Yesssss, but –"
Judge Judy:No "buts", Mr. Maul! It appears that you had picked a fight prior to the incident in question, which makes me think that you aren’t as innocent as you’ve tried to ascertain. Mr. Kenobi, continue.
ObiWan Kenobi: Well, it was obvious Darth Maul wanted a fight when we saw him again in Theed. All Master Qui Gon and I wanted to do was ask him a few questions and maybe bring him back to the Jedi Council for questioning if he did turn out to be a Sith.
Darth Maul:grrrrrrr………
Judge Judy:So you were involved in the fight?
ObiWan Kenobi: Well, yes, but…..it wouldn’t have been so bad if this Sith hadn’t killed my Master! You wouldn’t believe the pain and suffering not only I, but also my apprentice Anakin here have had to endure because of Qui Gon Jinn’s death at the hands of Darth Maul..
Judge Judy:So after Qui Gon had been fatally injured, you were fighting out of revenge?
ObiWan Kenobi: It wasn’t like that, Judge!
Judge Judy:(smiling sourly) Do you know what happens to me when I’m lied to, Mr. Kenobi? My left eye begins to twitch! (courtroom laughs) My left eye is twitching now which tells me that you were absolutely fighting Mr. Maul in vengeance over your fallen Master and that you would have done anything to have seen him dead at your feet!
ObiWan Kenobi: Darth Maul started the altercation, Your Honour. I just happened to finish it.
Judge Judy:Who drew their weapons first?
ObiWan Kenobi: Well, we did, Judge, but it was just an act of protection to the Queen and ourselves.
Darth Maul:They were sent by the Jedi Council to kill me, Your Honour. That’s all the Jedi are good for..
ObiWan Kenobi: Why you –
Judge Judy:Mr. Maul, you had your turn!
Darth Maul:Yesss, Your Honour…..
Judge Judy:Gentleman, this is a relatively simple case involving an obvious long-time feud between your two organisations that you apparently plan on continuing. I have no doubt whatsoever in my mind, Mr. Maul, that you aren’t as squeaky clean in the matter in question as you would have me believe. I am not a fool! However, a fair fight never involves two on one, Mr. Kenobi! You and Mr. Jinn were more than willing participants in this altercation and I’m not one to award money for pain and suffering! It should always indicate a lesson learned as far as I’m concerned! Your case is dismissed.
Darth Maul:Well put and very Sithly, Your Honour.
Judge Judy:Do I look like I need help here, Mr. Maul? (Maul scowls and inclines his head in mock submission and Kenobi puffs up with indignation and pouts) However, Mr. Kenobi, your testimony proved to me without a shadow of a doubt that Mr. Maul was also a willing participant in this fight of yours and should not be fully compensated for actions for which he is partially responsible. Have you heard the expression, "It takes two to tango" gentlemen?
Darth Maul and ObiWan Kenobi: (at the same time) No, I’m from a galaxy far far away. (each glares in the other’s direction)
Judge Judy:(rolling her eyes) Well, it means that none of this would have happened if you both weren’t actively involved in the shenanigans! That said, Mr. Maul, since you were a participant in this fight I cannot award you the full amount in your suit against Mr. Kenobi; however, since Mr. Kenobi was acting on vengeance with intent to kill and is responsible for the injuries you incurred, I am awarding you 2500 Republic Credits. Since the two of you were both acting dumb, both of you will have to pay! Judgment for the plaintiff in the amount of 2500 Republic Credits. That’s all! (Judge Judy stands and huffs out of the courtroom)
Byrd: Parties are excused. You may step out.
(Outside the courtroom)
ObiWan Kenobi: I don’t think the Judge was very fair, but I’m going to try to put it all behind me and focus on the future. With Ani here as an apprentice (ruffles the kid’s mop head), I’m sure there’s lots of excitement ahead!
Darth Maul: I am quite pleased with the manner in which the Judge handles her court. With the right amount of training, she would prove to be a powerful and formidable Sith.
Announcer: And on the next Judge Judy….. The case of the really bad hair day…
{{Princess Leia: I was called High Lady Bunhead by all the other royals for years after this nerf herder got hold of my head. All I’m asking is that I get a refund with interest.
Judge Judy: (looking at pictures of Princess Leia with the ‘do from the 4th Sith Hell) EWWWW! Sir, what did you do before you attempted cosmetology?
Cosmetologist: I was a nerf herder.}}
FIN
©Darth Shriek ~~ 2000
no subject
You're INSANE.
But.... I'm not one to point any fingers, being equally insane myself.
I wrote a few crackfics like this back in middle school based around TPM, they're on my ff.net account if you're curious. I'm sure they'd give you a laugh, but be warned, they're CRAP. LOL.