Things to Do for the Fake Alpaca Lips

Everyone knows that the real Alpaca Lips will occur on 12-21-2012, but why not have fun with the fake Rapture supposedly happening tomorrow? Here are some ideas of what we can do for shits and giggles come Judgment Day.

• Slap a Fundie. Hell, they have it coming, and in spades, don't even try to deny it.


• Expose the rest of Wikileaks. If we're all gonna die, we may as well go out knowing the entire truth.


• Stop dieting for fuck's sake. Eat what you want to. Life is too short. Literally.


• Look a cicada in the eye for as long as you can. Bet you'll be so creeped out, you won't last five minutes.


• Bitchslap Rush Limbaugh. He has it coming almost as much as the Fundies do.


• Tell someone you would otherwise never have the guts to, that you love them. Desperately, even.


• Rob a bank, then give the money back. What are you gonna do with it anyway?


• Rob a convenience store of one beer, and drink it right there. What are they gonna do, I mean, really?


• Unleash all the animals from the zoos, film the ensuing chaos.


• Convert to Discordianism, film the ensuing chaos.


• Attend a Charlie Sheen Torpedo of Truth concert. Film the ensuing chaos.


• Have some boiled cabbage, bacon grease optional.


• Molest a Scotsman.


• Molest James Spader.


• Molest yourself.


• Smoke a fattie, then eat a pan of brownies.


• Smoke a pan of brownies, then eat a fattie.


• Beat Glen Beck like a rented mule. Film the ensuing chaos.


• Read a children's book upside down while everything flies all to hell, a la Dubya.


• Steal a garden gnome, name him James McAvoy, then molest him.


• Eat a full 20-course Indian meal, sans anise. You don't mind dying, you just don't want to be desperately nauseous whilst doing so.


• Watch all the Roland Emmerich disaster films, one after the other.


• Hug all your animal companions at least three times each, or until they bite you out of frustration.


• Ball up your fist and growl "Thank you very bloody much" just like Basil Fawlty would.


• Eat blueberry blintzes at the IHOP, then refuse to pay for them.


• Speed and refuse to stop for the cops.


• Purchase all new furniture and finance it for next year.


• Sing "This is the Song that never Ends," 'cos you know that it will.


• Write a book...really really fast.


• Have lots of sex with lots of different people and aliens.


• Watch every Jim Carrey movie ever made.


• Hang out with Madea.


• Get a tattoo.


• Make someone else get a tattoo.


• Watch all the Star Wars movies and curse out George Lucas yet again.


• Bitchslap Donald Trump with Pat Robertson.


• Go SCUBA diving.


• Ready yourself for 12-21-2012, like any good Mayan.

The Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger

Todd sent this to me. When the nuclear Alpaca Lips happens, roaches, Keith Richards, and Crazy Nastyass Honey Badgers will be the only ones to survive. Bank on it.

One Thing This Fake Rapture Has Reminded Me

And that's the Fundies have zero, and I do mean ZERO, sense of humour. They all need to get their collective sticks from out of their collective arses because our very existence is proof that the creator has one hell of a sense of humour. How else can we explain our fucked up existence? Get over yourselves, Fundamentalists, or do us all a favour and commit mass suicide so we can laugh at your silly waste of space and get on with our own silly waste of space without having to put up with your utter lack of sanity, self-deprecation, or real belief in god. For the love of Bob...

I am so fucking SICK of living on the buckle of the bible belt!